Cosmo Digital

Let’s see: In five years, you will be in school, studying to attain a PHD in forensic science and psycho-therapy. In ten years you will be having a lucrative career in forensic science/therapy, but will also supplement your income by being a world-famous poet. At this time, you will be living part-time on the French Riviera in a million dollar chateau with your personal trainer/chef/therapist, Jacques, and living the rest of the time with me in my multi-million dollar castle secluded away from the rest of humanity. Oh yeah, and the rest of our friends will be there as well, even though at this time I will be a paranoid evil agoraphobic person, and will not want any of you living in my house. There you will meet my two bastard children, Nyarlathotep Lovecraft Felton, and Nebuchadnezzar Ceasar Felton. I have to continue the tradition of having a strange name. Then you will adopt one of my children (probably Nebuchadnezzar), and move back to France with him, seeing how his mother was the daughter of the French president (don’t even ask why I was exiled from France). 15 years after school, you will retire to fulfill your lifelong dream: to become a housewife. You will end up in a polyandrous relationship, having married both Grant and Jacques (your trainer, remember?). It won’t be quite legal, but you won’t care. Oh yeah, and Grant will be the multi-billionaire president of his own space-flight/computer company, Matheny Corp. Oh yeah, you will also eventually have a child, Oreo Jo-Christ Holmgren/Jacques, who may or may not be my daughter (neither of us will really know).

We will lose contact for about 10 years after this, but will meet up again when we are forced to flee soldiers when Grant conquers North America and attempts to kill everyone who knew him from before. We will meet up as we flee North America, then the two of us will form a rebel alliance (along with Nebuchadnezzar and Nyarlathotep, but not Oreo, for she will have assumed the position of Grant’s lover. Again, don’t ask). Together we rally the forces of the UN, and along with the cloned brain of Abraham Lincoln (created by Nebuchadnezzar, for he will be a scientific genius) we will defeat the forces of Matheny-ism, and save the world once more. (Not that we ever did in the first place, but you get the point). Then, after assuming control of the world for 10 years, we will abdicate our thrones and travel by portal (because I will find the secrets to becoming a sorcerer by this point) to a medieval-esque world with dungeons, dragons, magic, and all of that. After finding the secret to immortality, each of us will take over half of the world, and will become ruthless enemies in our own individual goals to conquer the world (punctuated occasionally by our occasional secret romantic flings) for the rest of time. Oh yeah, and you will have a pet dragon. His name will be Woofie.

Your purple dragon Woofie will turn out not to be a dragon at all, but rather a parasitic alien tape worm in the shape of a dragon. Unknowingly it will infest you, and you will be in danger of dying. However, your life will be saved, when your daughter Oreo Jo-Christ will come to our realm, just in time to telepathically bond with your parasitic dragon/tapeworm, removing its taint from you. It will not infest Oreo, for it will be revealed that she is part machine. This is because Grant turned her into a cyborg, in order to further his goals of creating super-soldiers with which to conquer the world. This plan will ultimately backfire on him, and one of his cyborgs will end up going berserk, decapitating him. This cyborg massacre all takes place before we travel to our medieval world, and will ultimately lead to a race of cyborg-men who colonize Mars. But I digress. So anyway, Oreo will end up finding a time machine created by Grant, and will use it to warp through time and space, witnessing all the great historical events of the universe. Eventually the machine will conk out, and she will be stranded on our realm with us.

About this time Jen will travel into space, and will be a test subject for faster than light travel. Her spaceship will crash on our planet, and she will ally herself and her vast array of scientifical/mathematical knowledge with your cause. Oh yeah, she will be traveling with Dan, because not only did Jen promise him that, but he will be fleeing insurrection in Panama. They will ally themselves with your cause, and use spaceship technology in order to ruthlessly destroy my army of the undead. This will continue on for a few years, but we will end up in an impasse.

Alright, back on Earth Nyarlathotep will have made himself supreme ruler of the Earth, and will defeat the race of cyborg-men with help from the cloned brain of Abraham Lincoln (remember him?). While sifting through the ruins of the bio-mechanical cyborg headquarters after their destruction, he will find a computer hard drive with a digital copy of Grant’s brain uploaded onto it. This A.I. intelligence, once being freed from its coma-like sleep, will connect to the Internet and will have absolute power over all the machines in the world. Grant will rename himself "Machine Lord" and will have his robot servants create for him a super-robot body. Still pissed off about the whole dying thing, this Robot Grant/Machine Lord will brutally murder Nyarlathotep, and will surgically implant his digital brain into Nyarlathotep’s body. Now having a human form once again, Machine Lord will use Quantum Physics and advanced bio-technology to create a working portal to our medieval world.

There, I will immediately realize that Nyarlathotep is in fact Machine Lord, but I will ally myself with him anyways, pretending to be clueless about his true identity. This is because I want to steal Machine Lord’s technological prowess for myself, and use it to destroy any rebellion against my conquest of the world.

But something is about to go horribly wrong. When Machine Lord moved his brain into Nyarlathotep’s body, he left his super robot body behind. A section of his digital brain was left behind in the robot form, which still survived. In a hilariously ironic situation, the robot body will also be possessed with the spirit of Hitler. This new Hitler-possessed robot Grant will have one purpose in its robotic existence: to destroy Machine Lord (the human one). Meanwhile, back on our world, Machine Lord will have almost crushed your army, through using his advanced technology and killer mechanical spiders. You will personally try to strike back by transforming Dan into a Lizard-man who could assassinate Machine Lord.

However, Dan will not enjoy being turned into a Lizardman, and so will not go kill Machine Lord, but will rather kidnap Jen and take her to his citadel of fiendish pleasures. Things are really looking bad for your cause at this point. You draw most of your forces back into your own floating castle, intending to delay your destruction as long as possible. However, through freak luck, you survive. This is how it happens.

Robot Grant/Hitler uses that scientific portal to travel to our world, intending to destroy Machine Lord. This leads to an insane battle between the evil undead Grant and the ultra-evil, robot HitlerGrant. Upon seeing that their battle will destroy the universe, human Grant will end it, by detonating a thermo-nuclear bomb that was implanted in Robot Grant’s chest. They are both destroyed instantly, but also is my stronghold and about a fifth of the world.

Now let’s turn back to Lizardman Dan and his kidnapee Jen, back at his citadel of fiendish pleasures. Here Jen learns that Lizardman Dan has been regularly kidnapping other members of your alliance, namely Nebuchadnezzar and Oreo (along with Woofie the tapeworm). It turns out that Lizardman Dan does not want to use Jen for fiendish bondage sex pleasures, but is rather trying to group together people who will stop your conquest of the world. They assume that I died when my black tower went up in a thermonuclear blast, but they do not know that I can NEVER DIE!! HAHAHAHA!!!! So anyway, I pull myself from the wreckage of my tower, having survived the explosion through some ancient magic I picked up will reading a translated copy of the Eltdown Shards (read Lovecraft to figure out this reference). However, in doing so, I will invoke the wrath of the Elder Gods, and they will come to destroy our world. But that is all later.

Now, Lizardman Dan and his 3 people will form a super-hero group, Super-Best-Friends. About this time, Lizardman Dan and Jen will become lovers, and she will soon give birth to 7 tiny half-lizard-children. (bad image, eh? Oh yeah, don’t ask how it was possible with the whole trans-species thing...it just did).

Meanwhile, I have used the technology I got from Machine Lord to rebuild my evil empire, and I start pushing forward with all I have. You are not prepared for this, for although you know I was not dead, you did not believe that I would regain my strength so quickly.

(Meanwhile back on Earth: Jaques is sitting in the kitchen of his French chateau, wondering where everyone is. "Heello? Eez eeverybody gone? Honh hohn hohn. No one eez home. Hohn hohn hohn.")

So, I press forward will all of my machines and warriors, trying to unite the world so it can put up a defense when the elder gods arrive. I manage to trap you in your floating castle, but before I can completely destroy you, the Super-Best-Friends show up. But they hate you too, so you are screwed. They are immediately joined by three of the elder Gods, Cthulhu, Azathoth, and Nyarlathotep. (The real one, the Crawling Chaos and all of that, not my dead son). Cthulhu, quite hungry after traveling through space, grabs Oreo in one of his gelatinous tentacles and promptly bites her in half. This causes Woofie the tapeworm to be free of their telepathic bond, which then makes it go berserk and lash out, killing many of my machine soldiers. Then it dies.

Intending to press your advantage, you emerge from your floating castle with your inner sanctum guards, and the two armies immediately start up a deadly battle. This turns into a 4 way war, when Super-Best-Friends and the elder gods join the fray. A bunch of random people are killed off, including Lizardman Dan and 3 of his children (sorry Dan), Nebuchadnezzar, and Azathoth. The two of us survive, and 17 hours into the battle, we meet in personal combat. We start up a cataclysmic battle using our dark sorceries and advanced technology, which ends up destroying most of the battlefield, and your floating castle. Now, everyone in both the armies is destroyed, except for the two of us, who are the only people left on the field. We trade a few psychic blows with each other, causing most of the immediate region to explode into flame. However, finally tapping into the uttermost limits of our sorcerous power, we each deliver one last blow, and both fall.

The two simultaneous blows prove to be fatal, and as we are dying on the battlefield, the two of us see just how much our conflict has ravaged the world. We both apologize to each other, and use the last of our strength to bond together and heal the destruction that we have caused. Then we die.

The End.

//- Epilogue -\\

Eventually the world will pull itself back together, but it will be populated by a race of lizard men. I thought Jen had 4 surviving children, but perhaps I was wrong. While these lizard people do have some legendary wars, for the most part they live in peace. Oh yeah, HitlerGrant manages to finally pull his ravaged metal body back together. The rest of us are gone, so there will be no one to challenge his conquering of the world. But for now, he will lie low and stay in secret. For now...

Story Continued in the 2003 Yearbook Entry